'My drive in life comes from a fear of being mediocre'

THE FREEDOM OF SELF FORGETFULLNESS - TIM KELLER!

‘My drive in life comes from a fear of being mediocre. That is always pushing me. I push past one spell of it and discover myself to be a special human being but then I feel I am still mediocre and uninteresting unless I do something else.’

Madonna said that.

Before you judge her for it, I’d urge you to read Tim Kellers short ‘pamphlet’ (only 47 pages).

If you do you might find yourself, like me, realising Madonna understands and articulates her ego better than the rest of us. Tim Keller sensitively allows the reader to see that we too have an ego to manage, offers some understanding behind that and then some ancient wisdom to help:

At the heart of the book is a question: where is your drive, ego, esteem, identity and worth drawn from?

So where might our ego be drawing from?

Much of it might be pride inter-relating with competitiveness:

‘Pride takes no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next person. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others.’ CS Lewis

Ego, identity or esteem (high or low) based on achievement or possessions will always be fragile. Sooner or later someone always has more / is better.

Is it from the affirmation you get from people? This leaves you vulnerable to hurt when they turn against you or let you down?

If our remedy for low esteem is high esteem then what is the high esteem based on? Your own fallible vacuous goals? Fine……while you are able to achieve them.

If any of this resonates then worry not: ‘This is the normal state of human self. It is what Paul is talking about to the Corinthians’ It certainly isn’t, therefore, a new thing.

Paul offers a new psychology and approach.

And Tim Keller, the author, helps us understand it from this verse:

‘I care very little if I am judged by you or any other human court. I do not even judge myself.’

Somehow Pauls aspires and, to some degree seems to achieve, a place where he isn’t trapped either by your opinion or even his own goals, standards and judgements. Tempting, at this point, to think Paul was some withdrawn recluse, isolating himself from humanity. But not only was he an achiever in life (see Philipians 3 3-6) he also knows ‘He is the chief of sinners’. We are not used to someone who has incredible confidence offering the opinion that they are the worst.

‘His sins and his identity are not connected. He does not see a sin and let it destroy his sense of identity. Neither does he see an accomplishment and congratulate himself.’ The result is an honest man, aware of floors, yet confident and with poise.

And so now the crunch. How do we get to that place? This is where psychology turns to theology and then faith.

It is hard to reach that place if we are constantly judging ourselves. Tim Keller argues we need true ‘humility.’ ‘Not needing to think about myself. Not needing to connect things with myself….A self-forgetful person whose ego is just like his or her toes. It just works. It does not draw attention to itself.’

If we can come to the place where we trust that God loves us, forgives us, welcomes us and will guide us – what else do we need? This is the Good News of Christianity:

‘Only in the gospel of Jesus Christ do you get the verdict before the performance.’ Elsewhere ‘The performance leads to the verdict.[So that] Every day you are in the courtroom, every day you are on trial. That is the problem.’

It is the problem I am seduced by too often but I can also say that occasionally, in prayer or worship, I get to the place of trusting in the verdict. It’s a verdict that is wonderful news: that I am loved for who I am. I am accepted. I am welcomed. Yes - with all my floors, vanities, prides, hurts, insecurities, lusts and achievements.

And that, spiritually, is a good place to get to.

The unique spiritual selling point of Christianity! It is also what Jesus on Good Friday both demonstrated and then made available to all.

Hard to do this book justice in 700 words…so do click her to buy a copy. Only £3!